     THE NEW PRIEST WAS SO NERVOUS AT HIS FIRST MASS THAT HE COULD HARDLY

     SPEAK.  BEFORE  HIS SECOND APPEARENCE,  HE  ASKED HOW HE COULD RELAX.

     THE MONSIGNOR SAID, "NEXT SUNDAY,  PUT VODKA IN THE WATER PITCHER AND

     AFTER A FEW SIPS, EVERYTHING SHOULD GO SMOOTHLY."  THE FOLLOWING SUN-

     DAY THE NEW PRIEST PUT THESE SUGGESTIONS INTO PRACTICE,  HE WAS ABLE

     TO TALK  UP A STORM.  HE FELT GREAT  HOWEVER,  UPON RETURNING TO THE

     RECTORY, HE FOUND A NOTE FROM THE MONSIGNER:

          1.  NEXT TIME, SIP RATHER THAN GULP.

          2.  THERE ARE 12 APOSTLES NOT 10.

          3.  THERE ARE 10 COMMANMENTS, NOT 12.

          4.  WE DON'T REFER TO THE CROSS AS THE "BIG T".

          5.  THE RECOMENDED GRACE BEFORE MEALS IS NOT

              RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANKS FOR THE GRUB.

          6.  DAVID SLEW GOLIATH, HE DID NOT "KICK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM".

          7.  WE DO NOT REFER TO THE SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST AND HIS DESCIPLES

              AS J.C. AND THE BOYS.

          8.  THE FATHER, SON AND THE HOLY GHOST ARE NEVER REFERRED AS

              "BIG DADDY, JUNIOR AND THE SPOOK".

          9.  IT IS ALWAYS THE VIRGIN MARY, NEVER "MARY WITH THE CHERRY".

         10.  LAST BUT NOT LEAST, NEXT SUNDAY IS A TAFFY PULLING CONTEST AT

              ST. PETER'S, NOT A PETER PULLING CONTEST AT ST. TAFFY'S.
